My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
