Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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