I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
