i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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