She announced her abortion via fbk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
