dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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