im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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