I'm gonna have a badass scar
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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