Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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