thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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