We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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