I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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