How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize