Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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