you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
