My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
