HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
