how can u be prego again
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
