Redeem this text for a blowjob
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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