Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize