if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
