Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
