The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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