Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
