I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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