It's Friday. Sex?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize