Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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