So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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