i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
