I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
