They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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