Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
