OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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