There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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