Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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