i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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