White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
