This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
