someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Found your dick twin last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
