I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
