Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
