I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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