If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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