I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
