things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
