Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
