Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
