Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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