So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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