____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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