: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
