It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
