pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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