dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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