oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
