saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
