so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
