I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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