At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
FUCK WHALES
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