im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize