I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
