My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
