Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
