i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
